What USSR?
by flaafo
Summary: The USSR completely dissolved the 26th of December, 1991. Russia was the abstract idea of that USSR. So how did he die? Russia/America with America's POV.


Have you seen a nation die?

It's a really odd question, when you think about it, because nations die all the time. And I don't mean, say, they're there one day and gone the next. I mean you see them lying on the ground lifeless. Not moving. Bit the dust.

I can say I've really only seen it once. The other times don't count because I wasn't physically there to watch.

It was Russia. Yeah, big guy. Kinda messed up in the head. Always carried around a lead pipe. Ever hear of him?

Me and him, we had a frenemies thing going on between us, especially after World War II. It's so odd to think about him like this, because he's technically still alive.

He's just not Russia anymore.

Well, he's Russia, but not in the sense that you know him. I mean, he walks and talks the same, like, "I am not to be pronouncing these English words correctly, da?" kinda speak (that's fucking hilarious, by the way), but….He's just not there when he does it.

It's like he's normal.

I loved to hate this guy, like, _really_ loved to hate him. We'd always challenged each other to the point of no return, where other nations would get hurt. Call it reckless, call it irresponsible, call it whatever you want. I call it fun.

Like this one time, when I was trying to stop communism (stupid communists) over in the east, I basically got my ass handed to my by China and Vietnam. North Korea, too, I guess, but….I mean blah blah blah, I can't tell the Asians apart. They, like, played peek-a-boo with me and I swear to god it was impossible to win. I guess I sorta did win, but looking back on it, on how much damage was left, can you say there was a victor?

Anyways point of that story was that he was the villain and I was the hero, and it was just right.

Oh, now that I think about it, one time I caught him having Cuba hold his WMDs for him, and I was all, "HEY WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" and he was all, "You gave WMDs to Turkey?" and I was all, "But that's different!"

Turns out it wasn't. So we signed a treaty and took our stuff back.

You see? Fighting with Russia was so damn fun! Now I can't do that, because he's not Russia. He's 'Other Russia'.

France told me about England being some nutcase little child way back in the beginning centuries. Iggy denies it constantly, but France was pretty descriptive.

He told me back then, no one really knew England, because there _wasn't_ England. There were just these islands. Know one knew anything about them before, whoever this person was, but soon a Germanic tribe, the Celts, invaded, and that was the first real mention of any Britain whatsoever.

That was apparently the first time England 'died'.

He kept getting invaded and new rules came over and I heard he was divided among a ton of different people until this one dude named Alfred the Great (Heh. Alfred.), basically took over everything and unified England and there comes our old stick-in-the-ass Iggy.

But he wasn't England yet. The Celts were still there and they were all "Paganism yay!" and the Romans (who invaded earlier), were like, "Boo Paganism yay Christianity!" and Poor little Iggy was like, "What the fuck?"

And then there's something about Vikings and the Norse gods and I could really care less.

France told me England 'died' a bunch of times. He mentioned that I was still itty bitty when he last died. He was a PIRATE. How freaking awesome was that? And I missed it because I was a child and children can't remember jack!

Of course, I heard he was a royal ass as a pirate. China keeps bitching about it, but whatever this story isn't about that commie, it's about my commie.

And I miss my commie.

I totally remember it like it was yesterday. We had given up the cold war recently and I was going to his house with a "Haha I win" Christmas gift basket kinda thi- …It wasn't a gift basket, really. I just went there to gloat.

One of the Baltics stopped me before I went inside, telling me Russia wasn't feeling well. Why wouldn't Russia be feeling well? He lives in a frozen hell, what could possibly have happened that would hurt that big bear of a nation?

I pushed aside whoever he was (Lithuania? Huh. Who knows?), and I barged in. I started to yell out, "Hey, Russia! It's me, America!" but I stopped at "hey" because of what I saw.

Russia was on the ground, all lifeless and junk. He wasn't moving, he wasn't breathing, it was really creepy.

I shook him a couple times. I kicked him. I slapped his face. I did anything I could think of to wake him up—hell, I even kissed him. God that was awkward, especially when he didn't wake up like Snow White did. Of course, I'm not a prince and he wasn't a woman, but if it worked for her, why not have it work for this?

Lithuania came back and told me he would be fine later.

"Fine later?" I repeated, "He's fucking dead!"

Lithuania kinda shook his head and pointed to a pool of blood dribbling out of his mouth. Ew much? I didn't notice it, but yeah, that's straight up nasty.

Wait, if I kissed him, then shouldn't that stuff have gotten on me? I wiped my mouth and sure enough there was that blood.

Actually…It wasn't blood. It sure didn't feel like blood, and I didn't taste any coppery-irony bloody taste.

So what, was that concentrated communism purged from his body?

Lithuania repeated he'd be fine and shoved me out of the house. Rude.

Whatever. If he said he'd be fine, he'd be fine.

The next day the world powers had a meeting, and hey, what do you know! There's Russia.

"Russia!" I called, "Hey! Russia!"

Russia looked up at me and I stopped dead in my tracks. Those eyes weren't Russia's. Well, they were, but they looked at me differently.

"Da? Vhat is it, Amerika?" He always had a habit of putting the enunciation of "America" on the "ca" part, making it sound like "Ahm-err-ih-KA" and it was really funny.

Well, it sure sounded like him.

"So do you wanna go have another ra—" He stopped me.

"I am sorry, Amerika." Sorry? Why? "I am not finding the need for one, da?"

I stood there, a little dumbfounded. Not find the need? "You're the USSR. The Union of Soviet Social Republics! We're supposed to be enemies! Awesome enemies! Like I'm James Bond and you're the Spy who Loved Me."

Russia laughed. "I am sorry," he repeated, "But I am no longer part of the USSR. In fact, there is no USSR. I am now known as the Russian Federation."

Un-freaking-believable.


End file.
